When we hear the word pride, most of us immediately think about arrogance. We picture the person who thinks too highly of herself. The person who always needs to be right, refuses correction, wants recognition, or believes she doesn’t need anyone’s help. And yes, that is pride.
Proverbs 16:18 warns us: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”
But I believe there is another side of pride that we don’t talk about nearly enough.
Sometimes pride doesn’t sound like: “Look at me.” Sometimes it sounds like: “Please don’t look at me.”
Sometimes pride isn’t thinking too highly of ourselves. Sometimes it manifests in being so consumed with our perceived inadequacies, mistakes, failures, or shortcomings that we hide.
It can look like shame, embarrassment. I have learned that it can look like refusing help because we don’t want anyone to know we’re struggling.
And surprisingly, both expressions can have the same thing at their center: Self.
Pride doesn’t always walk into the room loudly. Traditional pride says: I want everyone to see how great I am. But shame-based pride can say: I don’t want anyone to see where I’m struggling. One exaggerates our strengths, the other magnifies our weaknesses, but both can cause us to become overly preoccupied with how we are perceived.
How many of us have asked the questions:
What will they think of me?
What if they know my marriage isn’t what I pretend it is?
What if they discover I’m struggling financially?
What if they know I went back to him?
What if they find out my business isn’t doing well?
What if they discover I’m lonely?
What if they know I don’t have it all figured out?
What if I admit I made the wrong decision?
So we hide, we pretend, we isolate, we avoid asking for help. We stay in situations longer than we should because leaving would require admitting that we were wrong. And sometimes we even call it “privacy” when, deep down, we’re just embarrassed.
A big lesson I have had to learn is that Pride can keep you in places God is trying to get you out of! (I talk all about my experience in my book Girl, God is Not Done) This form of pride can be especially dangerous because it can affect our decisions.
Imagine knowing a relationship is unhealthy but staying because you’ve spent years defending it. You told everybody, “He’s different.” You defended the red flags, you ignored the warnings, you explained away the behavior. And now you realize they may have been right.Walking away doesn’t just mean losing the relationship. It means admitting: I made the wrong choice. Sometimes our pride would rather protect our image than protect our future. The same thing can happen with friendships, careers, businesses and even ministry. We keep investing because we’re embarrassed to admit something isn’t working.
But there is freedom in saying: I was wrong, I need help, This isn’t healthy for me anymore, I made the best decision I could with what I knew then, but I know better now. Changing direction isn’t always failure. Sometimes it’s wisdom.
Shame makes everything about what you did, it can convince us that our worst decision has become our identity. There is an important difference between conviction and shame.
Conviction reminds us “That decision wasn’t aligned with who God is calling you to be.” Shame tells us “This is simply who you are.” Conviction moves us toward God, shame often makes us try to hide from Him. We see this pattern all the way back in Genesis, after Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they became aware of their nakedness and hid. God asked Adam, “Where are you?”(Genesis 3:9) God knew exactly where Adam was. I think the more important question was Did Adam you know where he was?
And that’s a question worth asking ourselves, it can look different depending on the season we are in:
Where am I emotionally?
Where am I spiritually?
Where have my decisions taken me?
What am I hiding?
What am I pretending not to know?
And what would happen if I stopped hiding?
Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, this is where we sometimes misunderstand humility. Humility doesn’t require you to shrink, to deny your gifts, to pretend you’re less capable than you are. It certainly doesn’t require you to tolerate mistreatment. True humility allows you to see yourself accurately.
Humility looks like knowing,
I am gifted, but I still need God.
I am accomplished, but I can still learn.
I am strong, but sometimes I need help.
I love myself, but there are areas where I still need healing.
I made a bad decision, but that decision does not define me.
I am God’s daughter, and because I know who I am, I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not.
That is freedom!
Some of us aren’t afraid of failure, we’re afraid of being seen failing, there is a difference.
Sometimes we aren’t avoiding the next step because we don’t know what to do.
We’re avoiding it because we’re thinking about what people will say.
And that’s worth confronting.
How much of your life is being governed by the opinions of people who aren’t responsible for your calling?
Maybe you need to end the relationship.
Maybe you need counseling.
Maybe you need to apologize.
Maybe you need to admit you don’t know.
Maybe you need to start over.
Maybe you need to leave the job.
Maybe you need to ask someone for financial help.
Maybe you need to admit that the life you worked so hard to create isn’t actually the life God is calling you to live.
The question shouldn’t be “What will people think?” It should be “What is God asking me to do?” Galatians 1:10 challenges us “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?” That question can expose a lot.
Stop protecting the version of you that God is trying to grow. There comes a point in our lives when maintaining appearances becomes too expensive. Every time you choose your image over your healing, something pays the price…your peace, your purpose, relationships, your growth, obedience.
You don’t have to tell everyone your business, wisdom and boundaries matter, but, there should be people in your life with whom you can be completely honest, that you can be accountable to. People who know when you’re struggling, who can tell you when you’re wrong, people who can pray with you, who can remind you who you are when shame tries to rewrite your identity. James 5:16 tells us to confess to and pray for one another so that healing can take place. Healing often requires honesty.
Maybe pride is showing up differently than you thought, perhaps God is inviting you out of both. You don’t have to prove you’re better than everyone else, and you don’t have to hide because you’re afraid, you’re not good enough. Your identity was never supposed to be built on either one.
You are who God says you are:
Loved.
Chosen.
Forgiven.
Growing.
Called.
And still becoming.
Make the decision to:
Ask for help
Leave what needs to be left.
Apologize where you need to apologize.
Try again.
Change your mind.
Admit you were wrong.
Let yourself be seen by safe people.
Stop allowing embarrassment to keep you committed to something God is giving you permission to release. Sometimes one of the most powerful expressions of humility is simply being able to say, “I got it wrong, but now that I know better, with God’s help, I’m choosing differently.” There is absolutely no shame in that.
A Simple Step for you this week, ask yourself:
Where is pride showing up in my life, not necessarily as arrogance, but as shame, embarrassment, hiding, or fear of what other people will think?
Then ask God, what would I do differently if I wasn’t trying to protect my image?
The answer may reveal the very next step God has been waiting for you to take.